So, I haven't written in weeks. Typical me. So overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that I avoid any form of written expression. Excuses, excuses. During the first week after my last appointment with my plastic surgeon I would open this up, stare at the screen for about 5 minutes, panic, then promptly close my computer thinking that no one wants to read my thoughts, anyway. Plus, I have too much homework to do and work was rough today. This blog can wait. The last couple weeks after that, I avoided this site at all costs. Like I was afraid of it or something.
And I was.
I avoided my own blog, other people's PBM/BRCA blogs and any form of preventive surgery/breast cancer/implants/surgery education, research, information like the freakin' plague. Picture the little girl in pigtails with her fingers in her ears singing "La la la I can't hear you, la la la I can't hear you!!!" That was my mindset to....all of this. Focus on work, focus on college courses, focus on anything but the fact I am about to cut my breasts off.
But every night when I would change into my pajamas and every morning before every shower....I would stare in the mirror, hold my breasts and do my best to fight off the tears wanting so badly to form in my eyes. I had been so excited about preventive surgery, so empowered! Completely full speed ahead on research and preparation, kicking cancer's butt before it kicks me! And I'm getting bigger, fuller boobies along the way! Now, it felt like I was crumbling. It is such a weird feeling to have peace about a decision, but still have this mournful sense of sadness & fear at the same time. I know this is what I want to do. I just am not sure what to expect, afterwards. That old familiar cliche, fear of the unknown.
Everything is finalized for August 11th. Two more months to indulge in my pre-previvor, self. It's such a surreal, overwhelmingly terrifying feeling to know that on that day my life changes. What will this change bring? Lower risk of cancer? Of course. But what else?
Technically, it's only my breasts that are being cut out with the 'beginnings' of new boobs put in it's place. But I feel like all of this will be more of a reconstruction of my inner self, who I am in the spirit.. my mind, my soul... *me*. I'm letting go of all my security safety nets that I've learned and grabbing a hold of the biggest challenge I have ever taken on. To me, it feels like I am becoming a true woman through all of this. I still don't know exactly know what makes a woman, a woman. I have always just felt like a Shannon. I feel like this path I am walking down will bring me to a place where I may finally understand.
